Teaching a Child To Say No

"I can see how well adjusted and confident your children are, but I simply can't see doing this and possibly unwinding many years of the child training yarn ball."

I got quite a few messages like this one. And I get it. It seems crazy to teach your child to say no to you; their parent. But tell me, why is it so crazy?

We teach our children not to lie, am I right?

But why don't we teach them to speak the truth? Because simply teaching them not to lie is not enough.

Isn't it true that it is a chronic problem in today's Christian culture to let our yes be yes, and our no be no? You know what I am talking about, right?

Someone asks you if you can help clean their house on Wednesday. You have a dentist appt on Monday, are babysitting for someone on Tuesday, and Thursday, you are cooking a meal for a Mama from church. Of course, you shouldn't say yes because your children need you at home. But isn't that selfish? Shouldn't you help her? After all, she helped you once, and you are afraid she will get offended if you don't go. Especially if she finds out, you said you couldn't help her because you are just staying home.

So you say, "Yes, I can help you." And on Wednesday, you help her like the sturdy little workhorse you are, and by Friday, you are so tired you feel sick, and the children are a mess because Mom was running most of the week. It makes you feel bitter. You start to think uncharitable thoughts towards your hapless sister in Christ, and you forget completely that this is all on you. You were the one who said "yes."

"I can't tell people no," you tell me as an excuse.

Why can't you tell people no? Is it possible that saying no feels inherently selfish to you? You see the word no as having a negative connotation.

This is where I found myself after many years of smiling no matter how hard I had to grind my molars to get through it, and my yes was not nearly always a yes. Sometimes it was a maybe, sometimes it was a 'yes only because I can't say no to you, but I will hold it against you."

If you look at it like this, laid out in words, it becomes asinine. Being able to say no should be a given. Especially for a Christian. And yet, we were not taught this skill; why would we inherently know how to say the word no to people?

For this reason, I teach my children first to obey me. From the age of newborn up, they are conditioned to listen to and respect my voice. Not with violence and stress, but with kindness and many hours of observation and teaching from me to them.

Usually, around age three, they hit their independent stride. This is one of my favorite stages. Of course, everything takes longer and is a bit more dramatic, but look what they are learning. Independence is key to the next step, and I want them to be independent.

Around age five, we deal with other things that are not related to obedience. Usually, lying is in that mix. Although I see them sometimes lying when they are younger, I rarely deal with it until they are around age five because I want them to understand the difference between truth and untruth. So it is an integral part of growing up.

Around age six to eight, I started to see more complaining about jobs that were somewhat novel to them as a younger child. Now washing the dishes is no longer fun; it's work and not very fun work. So I teach them how to overcome the not-wanting to do it and become masters over themselves to do it over and over. This is an essential part of growing up before you teach them how to say no. At this stage, their body is still geared toward saying no simply because they don't actually want to wash the dishes. So you have to help them grow that endurance muscle of the mind that allows them to overcome and do hard things.

If you teach your child to say no, before you have taught them endurance, it becomes a recipe for insolence and disrespect.

Finally, around age 8-10, they are ready to exercise their ability to say no. By this time, I have a close relationship with them. They don't obey me out of fear but because they love and respect me. So I become aware of their expressions when I give them a task. Just recently, it happened to my 10-year-old. I asked him to take some vegetable peelings across the creek. I saw a look cross his face. "Would you prefer not to do it right now?" I asked him. He said, "I don't mind doing it, but I have not had breakfast yet." My children know I'm passionate about not working much before breakfast. "Eat breakfast first, and I will remind you afterward," I replied.

It was such a tiny thing, I know. But it's a start.

My twelve-year-old is my most cheerful worker. She is so pleasant and willing that I protect her a bit from all of us. She simply never minds if I give her a task. So when she looks overwhelmed with a job, I am all over that. "Tell me how you are feeling," I tell her.

She didn't know why. She just felt overwhelmed and tired. I sent her to have a cup of tea and read a book for an hour. It is her favorite thing in the world. An hour later, she was refreshed and rested, and happy. I gave her another task, but not the bigger one from before. I knew what time of the month it was, and I wanted her to have a firm grip on her positivity. After all, almost anything can wait.

I also got messages asking me what I do when my children abuse their power in being able to say no and I must tell you quite honestly, that does not happen. If you raise your children with peace and integrity, always honest without guile, they won’t consider for a moment not respecting their power to say no to Mama. Especially when they know I have their best in mind.

Yesterday I asked this same child to clean the living room floor. It was a fairly intense job because it had not been done in a while. She looked overwhelmed, but I was also overwhelmed and pretended not to see. She took the broom and went to the living room. Several minutes later, here she came with the broom. “Mom, can I just not do the living room, and do a job that isn’t so overwhelming?” On the inside, I sighed because I needed it done. I knew if I said “I want you to go do it anyway,” She actually would. However, it simply was not worth it to me. I knew it cost her to ask to not do it, and I knew she already has a great big strong muscle of overcoming and being able to do hard things. We were all tired. It had been a long day and I decided who cares if the edges are dusty for another week? I sent Sumyr in to get the main dust and we called it a day.

I wish I could emphasize just how important it is to me to teach them that they can do hard things before they learn to say no. If you do not first teach them how to grow that muscle of making good choices, this sort of power will ruin the adult you are raising. We all know people that are utterly unable to make wise choices. We ourselves struggle with our own bits of life where we are seemingly helpless in the face of our ‘wanting.’ It makes life very hard and the antidote is so simple. Simply start doing hard things.

I know it sounds too simple.

Try this. Every time you shower, just before you get out, turn the warm water to ice cold, and stand under it for a good thirty seconds. Oh, it’s so painful and hard for the first several times. After that it becomes exhilarating. After a while of doing this, you will discover you prefer to have the Facebook app deleted from your phone. You will want to limit your choices. It’s just like working out and growing your muscles. Your ability to do hard things is a muscle that grows if you work it out. My friend Janelle is posting parts of her journey on Instagram and I would highly encourage you to give her a follow. She isn’t a comfortable follow with perfect pictures that will tickle your fancy. She won’t encourage you to mediocrity. You will squirm uncomfortably, and you will think more about the choices you are making. You will see pictures of her rucksack, her hiking shoes, her journey as a nurse. It’s gritty, real and raw. This is exactly the kind of encouragement I need. I am not in the same place as she is, but thanks to her, I am slowly starting out on my own journey to do the hard work, and grow physically and mentally. Don’t follow her to compare yourself to her. Follow to learn from her.

As you yourself learn to do hard things and love it, you will no longer look at your children the same. The compassion that before allowed you to let them off chores and allow them to become soft and weak, will now manifest itself in the courage you need to raise them differently from how the rest of the world is raising their children. You know how hard life is. You know it takes some real sand in the backbone to become a fisher of men. And is that not our goal? All of us?

Greater is he that is in us, than he that is in the world.