I Don't Need Pity, I Just Need Jesus

I don’t remember what my friend was struggling with, or why she asked, but she did ask. Bluntly, raw, without prettying up the request. Wisdom, she needed it, wanted it and she asked. We answered. Bluntly, raw, we didn’t pretty it up.

“I am sorry if I sound harsh.” someone said.

And this is when she said the words, “I don’t need pity, I just need Jesus.”

Of course, it got me thinking as these things usually do.

It’s the perk of being a Christian to have brothers and sisters speak life and truth and wisdom into our lives. Except that’s hardly a perk anymore. It has become a dread. A curse.

I have also experienced the real thing. A sister who comes to me with an admonishment wrapped up in love. I receive it and even treasure it. Immediately conviction comes over me, sweeping me up with hope and truth. The feeling is one of power. I know, now I can change it. I know I can change it because it is not I, but Christ in me.

But when it is the opposite, there is only condemnation and accusation. The words are so close to the truth that it’s easy to believe it is truth. You may as well kneel down in cornmeal and whip yourself because that is what the words you are regurgitating will do to you. They flail you, again and again. You flail yourself, over and over. “How could I be so stupid.”

Except that those words are not from God.

Why am I posting this randomly in the middle of my post? So that you ruminate on it, on and on. So that you recognize the truth of this, and become wiser to the abuse that comes your way from the people around you who are literally accusing you of doing what they themselves are guilty of. When someone speaks ill of you, they are teaching you about themselves. This cuts out a LOT of offense.

We would be wise to step back and see where the words are coming from. If they are coming from the prince of darkness, they will only lead to more darkness even if the words are almost true. So almost true that you can imagine they are true, as my friend Louise will say.

Of course, if you are an easily offended person these things are harder to define. Being easily offended is the opposite of the cross of Christ. He tells us we will be misused, abused and reviled against. He himself had no honor in his own country, nor did he even have a place to lay his head. He didn’t get offended by it. But of course, you get offended because you think someone slighted you.

You get offended and because of that, you cast shade and division.

You don’t even know for sure that you are right, but you assume.

I have an instant gut-wrenching feeling of nausea when I hear those words, “I assume.” Stop right there, you assume what? That just because someone didn’t say hi to you in church that they are somehow against you?

Absolutely ridiculous. You should be bent over a knee and spanked.

If we truly follow King Jesus, we will look for reasons to not be offended. We will be free of guile. When someone slights us, instead of being offended, we will gather that close to our heart and secretly thank God for allowing us to see the truth so that we might pray for them and treat them even better because of it. Sometimes God will whisper back that we must give those people room instead of braying into their life like a rabid dog that won’t give up.

It’s ok if someone doesn’t like you. Barbra Russel teaches in her Yes, I Said No course, how to ask yourself what is really the worse possible thing that can happen if someone does not like you? This tool was extremely helpful to me over the years and will continue to be helpful. It’s tempting to put too much value on others’ approval when what we should value is being free from the need for approval. Freedom from the need for approval leaves our ears free to hear from God.

This is also helpful for me coming from the other side of the spectrum. Set others free from your expectations. Don’t attach ego with your advice or words.

Being easily offended is not the fruit of a Christian.

I should probably repeat it for those in the back who are justifying their offended offensiveness.

BEING EASILY OFFENDED IS NOT THE FRUIT OF A CHRISTIAN.

You need to stop it. You need to train yourself to not get offended. It’s ridiculous, tiresome and downright foolish.

I have a friend who often has cause to be offended. She is sometimes treated in such a way that I am angry on her behalf. When I tell her this she responds practically, “there is no point in being mad about it, they hate their own life and it has nothing to do with me.”

But it seems to have something to do with us. It seems as if the person is coming in love because they say so. Or is seems they have our best in mind, until it becomes apparent they have ego attached and you will offend them if you don’t do what they say. Which is of course controlling, and as a child of God, you want to keep yourself far away from humanity seeking to control you. You can’t afford that distraction from what God is telling you to do.

Years ago I worked in a place of retail buisness. Occasionally a certain old man would come in, always reeking of body odor, and in horrible moods. My boss told me to not even say “Hi, how are you,” to him. Those could easy turn into fighting words that would end up in calling the cops out to wrangle the situation back in control. Rumor was that he had been shot in the head and survived, so very likely this was not an organic matter. Still, I have known people who have never been shot in the head and survived who are borderline psycho with their ease of getting offended. Its like its the most comfortable place for them to be.

Offended.

Always offended.

Every Mom should have this book, should read it, and should teach her children. It makes for a far more successful, lovable adult.

I know you all know the kind of people I am talking about here? No matter how carefully you trod on their acreage, you absolutely will and do step on hidden land mines. They hide the mines and then blame you for stepping on them. You can be as respectful, kind, and good hearted as you want. For the other person it begins and ends with their emotional maturity and strength of character.

Sometimes I think the best thing I can do is just stay away with my offensive offensiveness. With my practical nature, I struggle to continue caring when the drama has reached a certain point. This is both my strength and weakness. It is my strength because it allows me to keep going without needing or caring for the approval of humans, but it also makes me come across as heartless. I have to remind myself often that people were worth it to Jesus. When I depend on him to do it in me, I find myself caring for the soul.

Maybe the tide would shift if easily offended people were not fed quite so much? When I have a child who is dramatic, I don’t feed the drama. I address the real problems like “why was your foot accidentally up by his face and somehow got in his mouth?” Of course they don’t ever think past the utter horror of “he bit my foot.” A child standing, bit your foot? WHY WAS YOUR FOOT IN HIS MOUTH?

Course, they never know. As if their father and I go around with our feet reaching higher than we can comfortably stretch them, inconveniently putting our toes in each others faces. “Child, if you don’t see your Dad and I do it, why are you doing it?”

“Because he gave me a look, and I hate when he gives me a look.”

I frown as I try to figure out how 2+1=5

My Dad gave our family the gift of being a man almost impossible to offend. He is kind, faithful, fair and honest. He didn’t internalize unfairness and unkindness, he simply left it in Gods hands and moved on. I have seen him weep over words that were unfairly heaped on him, but not out of personal offense. When I am tempted to be offended, his example is one that comes to mind. He would nod and stroke his chin as he thoughtfully considered the words. What he wouldn’t do is hurl words back.

The thing is though, getting offended becomes an ingrained habit.

You are offended because you weren’t invited.

Offended because someone said the wrong words to you.

Offended over this, offended over that, until its just a big pot of steaming manure being carefully stirred and added to and shared among you and your friends.

Stop the madness!

For pity’s sake.

“Where is their pride?” I ask B.

“Do they actually think getting offended is going to make us want to be around them more?”

There is no logic to offense.

Unless there is logic to it, in which case God makes a good pathway to handle it.

You speak to them personally.

PERSONALLY.

I am tired of this subject now. I think I will hang it up like a well used Norwex cloth.

I like Norwex cloths. I know its MLM or Network marketing or whatever its called, but I still like them. Their leather conditioner is one of the best I’ve ever used. I also like people. Even grouchy people. Maybe even especially grouchy people. Grouchy people are usually honest. I like honest people.

But easily offended people? “Oh GOD, How I struggle to love them.”

Yes, that was a prayer.

No land mines here.

My solution is usually to stay out of their minefield and give them privacy to deal with their being offended at my offensive offensiveness. But B is better at it than I am. He is the wind beneath my wings when their mines go off in my DMs. Sometimes he forbids me from responding.

Yes, forbids.

Yes, I am an adult.

Yes, I know your mines just went off, but I have to go now because my household needs me.

And also, my four year olds mine just went off, which triggered the 7 year olds mine. So I have to go deal with the soup of their drama because it is literally my job.

Ive tried to leave several times. I have made good notes that read “Dear Alvin, I have tried to be a Mom, and I have tried hard, but I have discovered I am no good at it, so I must pack and leave for Florida now where I must drown my sorrows on the beach. I wish you all the best as you raise these seven children on your own.”

He always responds back with “Ok, but don’t look back because we will all be following you to Florida.”

So like it or not, I am the heart of my home.

And by cracky, I will be the beatingest heart I ever can imagine being.

Goodbye peasants.

I will see you in Florida.

Maybe.

Probably not though. I am Mom. I am wife. I shall persevere and overcome.

Hows that for a soupy soup of a dramatic blog post?