Part Two

“Why aren’t you happy?”

“Why don’t you feel fulfilled in your role as wife and mother”.

“You need to pray more”.

“What is wrong with you?”

“Is your life really so bad that you are so depressed?”

They meant well. They truly did. They simply had no frame of reference for the level of brokenness they saw in me.

None of it offended me because I knew their hearts. It hurt. But it didn’t hurt because my feelings were hurt. It hurt because I was locked behind a wall, and I could not find the words to convey the chaos that had taken over my world. I wanted to scream the words I was feeling, but I was too well trained. I knew better than to make to much of a fuss, to be too ugly. Not only was I trapped with my physical brokenness, I was also trapped inside my head.

Fear.

Shame.

I could not bear the pity.

I did it to myself.

I locked myself away and then I was shocked to find myself trapped in that state.

I don’t know why this thing happens. Women are so strong, so courageous when they have babies. Their body does a miraculous thing. I do not know why, sometimes after a birth, her mind cracks.

But it does.

It’s time we start listening and watching for it so of all times to suffer, she does not suffer alone.

Recognizing a few common symptoms

One of the first things to happen was how loud noises ‘felt’. You remember what I said about a spoon falling to the floor sounding like a gunshot. That is sadly not an exaggeration. The lid of a kettle falling would leave me shaking, my heart pounding, stuck in fight/flight mode. At the time I simply thought my nerves were a little raw. Had I addressed it immediately, and known how to address it, I would never have come to the state of utter despair like I did. Husbands and friends, watch out for the people in your realm of influence. If they overreact to noise, don’t explain it away to hormones.

Another big indication that something was wrong was feeling completely overwhelmed. I had only four children at the time, but they were all small. The oldest was seven, four, two, and newborn. On the outside nothing changed, I still stayed caught up with my work, I still fed my family. But how I felt on the inside was different. Everything overwhelmed me. The thought of going anywhere felt impossible just because of having to strap three children into car seats. I found myself constantly changing plans, turning down outings, subconsciously doing whatever I had to, to keep from feeling that awful clawing, out of control feeling.

I became weepy. I cried over everything. If my husband reproved me for something I completely fell apart. I didn’t mean to, it just happened. It felt out of control to me, and I didn’t like it. I grew up a tough little farm girl, and I hated being a weepy mess. Especially over something so simple as a little direction from my husband, where was my logical self? I had somehow lost her in the woods. All I had left was PMS El who I didn’t have much respect for and did whatever I must to never allow out.

By the end of the day, my skin crawled if a child climbed up on my lap or my husband wanted to cuddle me. My heart would start beating faster and faster, the trapped feeling growing exponentially, until in a wild flurry I would jump away and release myself under the guise of going to take my nightly bath.

“Yes, yes El, we know what you went through, but what can we do?” you ask.

What you can do to heal yourself.

Ok, I will try to tell you, but remember, I speak only from my experience. Not everyone is the same so use a grain of salt as you read my words. You may need to do differently for your situation.

I want to point out what you can do for yourself if you are in this situation without a support system. Many women don’t have a support system, so this is a very real thing.

#1. First of all, start praying for logic and truth to present themselves clearly enough that you can catch a glimpse. Don’t allow yourself to luxuriate in self pity and bitterness.

Self pity and bitterness breeds a toxic brew of sticky poison that will slowly eat at your brain, until physical healing is redundant. Physical healing will no longer deliver you.

I was greatly interested in hearing a self defense guru teaching how one can prepare ones brain for a potential surprise attack. Imagine the attack, and then follow the steps you have been given to subdue the threat. Go through every step and detail, minute by minute. Each time you do this, you create a path in your brain, and should that scenario ever happen, your body will react instinctively.

A friend of mine who was molested as a child, and dealt with tremendous depression in her adult life brought this to my attention again just recently, but with another scenario. A more everyday one. When we allow ourselves to think poisonous thoughts again and again and again, we are making poisonous tracks in our brain. God himself tells us what we are to think about.

#2. Immerse yourself in your bible. Read it as if it were the last book on earth. Don’t pressure yourself while reading. If your mind wanders while you are reading, bring it back, but don’t go back and obsessively reread what you just read. Listen to Bible on audio, and again, don’t force yourself to listen to every word. Play it during daily life, as you cook, clean, and care for your children. Let the cool water of the word wash you from the inside out.

One of my favorite ways to listen to scripture lullabies. You can also find the playlist on Spotify. This music is so gentle, so beautiful that you can easily play it while your children are working on school work. It is not distracting.

#3. Stop telling yourself your depression is because of sin in your life. Treat it the way you would a broken leg. Seek physical healing. Start working out for an immediate lift in your spirits. Order Olive Leaf from True Hope , along with the other products they have created that feeds your brain so it can function normally.

#4. Recognize that the opposite of addiction is connection. Reach out to a few close friends and tell them about your depression. Let them truly see the extent of your pain so that they can become your powerful prayer warriors.

Depression may begin as a deficiency in the brain, but Satan does not have a code of ethics and he will be there waiting to maximize on your weakness. He will use it to breed shame and secrecy. Shame and secrecy breeds addictive behaviors that you saw exhibited in my previous post Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I did not tell you all the addictive behaviors I became trapped in. I will not give sin that much glory. And let me assure you, it was sin. All of it was sin. I never kept any secrets from my husband, he was my prayer warrior, but with everyone else I was desperately ashamed and kept my secrets carefully hidden. The day I stopped hiding, was the day I started healing. The first two people I told were my sister Lin, and Sarah. I will never forget the feeling of lightness after I told them. Your friends want to fight alongside you. They love you, but to tap into their strength, you must be vulnerable and tell them what is going on. Don’t take them for granted.

#5. Take steps to calm the chaos. Make a daily morning list that you can blindly follow the mornings you can not function. Read your list, do the next thing. Make it very simple.

Vitamins

Hair/face

Make the bed

Take a shower

Bible

Drink water

Smile at my children

And yes, that is one of my lists. I followed that list for a year.

If you are currently depressed, you may already be wrapped up in addictive behaviors whether its drugs, alcohol, sex, or food. Be assured, you can be free. You do not have to be bound to sin.

I will include a quote from our Pastor Steve. By the time I read this quote, I was already free of the addictions, but it resonated in me, and I immediately took it to heart and started practicing it.

Perhaps it sounds simplistic, but the first thing I did was organize and fold my underwear drawer. Instead of stuffing each item in, one on top of the other, I took great pleasure in folding each piece together with its mate, and placing them neatly in the drawer. I organized my bathroom drawers, my kitchen cupboards, and my closets. The more chaos I weed out, the more restful and in control I become. My children reflect this. The stronger I become, the stronger they are. Their closets and bedrooms changed as mine did.

Before I read that quote, I had gone through my entire wardrobe and got rid of everything that I didn’t really like. I discovered I can ward off a spiral of depression by studiously following my lists. Cleaning my bathroom, picking up the dirty wash immediately, Taking time to get properly dressed and do my hair every morning. etc etc. What I didn’t realize is how as I was practicing self control, I was gaining control of my thought life.

You may find like I did, after an extended bout of depression, you will find yourself veering back into the darkness of depression too easily for comfort. Rather than being triggered by poor health, you may be triggered by circumstances which is entirely preventable. Expect it. Plan for it. Be prepared.

#6. Don’t believe the lie that because the depression isn’t your fault, that its not your responsibility. You must take responsibility. No one but you can consistently do what it takes to heal your brain and change your habits. You may need to wait for a ‘good’ day to make your plan and lists. But you can do it. If you cannot do research, ask your spouse or your friend to do research for you.

#7. Develop good habits. This one goes alongside, hand in hand with all the other points.

Learn to drink lots of pure water, every day.

Learn to take vitamins.

Learn to choose nourishing foods.

Learn to make your bed.

Learn to set your timer on your phone to SMILE at your children if you can’t remember.

Learn to read your bible daily.

Even if progress is turtle slow, take one new habit a week, or even a month. As you succeed, you will be filled with euphoria at your own success.

What can you do as a friend to someone with depression.

Remember, the opposite of addiction is connection. While a depressed person may not be addicted to anything, it will however, open them up to the lure of addiction. You can stand in the gap for them. Reach out to them weekly. Check on them, ask them how they are doing. Visit them, bring a meal, babysit her children so she can go on a date with her husband. Show that you care with shoes on. Outright ask them if they feel overwhelmed and depressed. Make it safe for them to answer, and don’t assume it’s their circumstances.

Never ever tell a person who just confessed their depression to you that they should call a suicide hotline. This is one piece of advice that I see perpetuated again and again online. This is FALSE. All that means to a depressed person is that you are not interested in fighting the battle beside them. It’s shedding responsibility, and it stinks.

Don’t try to problem solve and fix their life so they are no longer depressed. Don’t ask if her husband is emotionally abusive. Women who have suffered abuse and become stuck in their pain tend to filter every response through their own broken sieve. Just don’t “suggest” anything. Leave it be. I have received many messages from women who felt harmed by the advice of other women who had become toxic from their experiences, it causes them to go underground with their pain only breeding even more secrecy and shame. If you have not healed from your own experiences, you may not be the right person to help. Perhaps you should first find healing. The blind cannot lead the blind.

Send her scriptures containing the glorious promises from God, assurances that he is right beside you.

Send words of affirmation. Recognize that depression is lonely and Satan loves to accuse during those times. Don’t bother telling your friend she is beautiful. Give her real words of life. Tell her how strong God is, how good he is and how his mercies are new every morning. Be honest with her when she asks you a question. Be on her side in this battle, knowing she will sometimes tell you things that aren’t true, but they seem that way to her. Don’t invalidate that, just listen, and then tell her the truth. Be her Aaron and Hur. Speak wisdom and logic. My friend Sarah regularly sent me articles by John Piper. She sent me scripture regularly. Little sound bites that were always perfectly timed to my need. Don’t kid yourself, although depression is (most times) a physical problem, washing your brain with the water of the word does help in bringing about healing.

Never talk about her and her depression to others. Refrain from gossip. If someone brings it up and asks you about it, tell them what a wonderful person your friend is, and how happy you are they asked about them and that your friend needs prayer. Thats it. Give no details. People are like piranhas, when they smell blood, they will come running to devour any flesh that is exposed. Have no hand in that.

Pray for your friend. Intercede on her behalf. Bring her to Gods attention over and over and over. Bring her family to his attention over and over! Pray for strength and wisdom for her husband, he needs it as much as she does. Ask God to protect him during this time when he has no choice but to be the strong one, but alone. Send him messages of love. Pray for their children who are also being attacked by the father of lies.

Demand nothing in return. Just reach out and love. Being the support system to someone struggling with depression can feel hopeless and lonely.

As I write this, I find myself realizing again and again just how different everyone is. How I respond, is not how your friend may respond. Ask God for wisdom when dealing with these sensitive issues. Ask God to specifically help you speak from his heart, not your own narrow perspective. Especially if you have been raised to believe that depression starts because of sin in your life. Yes, that can happen. But that is not your call to make. You have no right to place a burden like that on someone already broken. God sees the way you kick those who are down, and do not delude yourself that he is pleased with you. God is not mocked. You cannot gorge yourself on your carnal perspective, wipe your mouth and say “I have done no wrong”.

Be very careful in offering health products to a depressed friend. Especially if you are going to experience monetary gain because of their suffering. If you are not a close friend, don’t offer what you are selling. If you are absolutely positive that you possess the miracle cure, talk to someone close but not directly involved so as to not add to the burden. Let them do research, offer it for free, be gracious when they turn it down. Don’t pretend that you care if you have never bothered in any other way before.

If you are married to a person struggling with depression.

Love them.

Love them the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way.

Keep yourself strong in Christ. Keep proclaiming Gods goodness. Rest in his mercy and grace and wait upon the Lord with joy.

You can wait with joy even with tears streaming down your face, and your heart feeling like a boat anchor. Your ‘waiting’ with thanksgiving is a worthy sacrifice to your creator, and he will bless you for it. As you weep, broken, on your knees, you can be assured that God loves you dearly and has never left you or forsaken you. Joy will come in the morning. He makes beauty out of ashes. As you fight alongside your wife, he is with you, and he is well pleased.