“You are probably thankful that you lost this baby, since your other children are still so small”.

The words dropped from her thoughtless lips as if they were nothing.

She laughed, as my heart froze and my breath caught in my throat.

Instinctively I put my hands down over my empty stomach. “NO” I burst out.

It took me years to get past those words and the pain that accompanied them. She didn’t mean to hurt me, she just didn’t bother thinking through her statement. My pain was too heavy for her, so she convinced herself why it need not be so heavy, so that she would not have to bear it with me.

Since that day, I have become aware of the things people say during times of grief. Almost always, they tell you, what excuses them from carrying the burden with you.

Her husband had died, and it was the first Thanksgiving she faced without him. Her eyes were full of tears as she handed me a pie she had made. I took the pie from her and pulled her into a wordless hug. From behind me I heard “How are you doing Auntie Sarah?”

Before she could answer, the voice went on. “You will be fine, you are strong, the strongest woman I know, you will be fine”. Horror filled me as I looked into her lined face. She looked frozen, slapped. The words invalidating her pain, and effectively closing the door to her being able to say she wasn’t fine.

You see, this person could not bear the pain of our mutual friends deep loss. It was too heavy and uncomfortable. Instinctively she found herself pushing away the pain and replacing it with a pleasant feeling of having ‘done her part’. She helped buoy up the sister, she can wash her hands of the whole deal.

Your part is not to help the grief go away.

Your part is not to convince your friends they have reasons to feel better.

Your part as a friend is not to change anything.

Your part is to sit there and listen, let your warmth permeate her broken heart. Open your mouth only to speak applicable scripture over them, letting it soak down into the desert of their heart to wash away the dust, and allow the tears to flow without restraint, as long as they need. Until the potter heals.

Speak only when you have words that come along beside and bear the load. Words that align you with them, beside them, but never over them in superiority.

If you feel superior, go mow their lawn, or clean their toilets.

It can be very tempting to internalize those unhealthy and hurtful remarks. Satan has no script he must follow in how or what he uses to trip you up. He will reach out and grab an opportunity, and what better opportunity than a broken heart combined with thoughtless, cutting words?

It can even feel good to the broken hearted to let their hearts turn with vitriol towards those people. Like scratching a spot of poison ivy with a hairbrush. They roll it over and over in their minds, sharing it with other friends, eating it for breakfast, snacking on it, packing it like a picnic, rolling around in it like a horse freshly let out to pasture.

Now you are as in the wrong as they are.

Now there are no redeemable qualities.

Now it’s just a heaping manure pile that draws flies and all manner of filth.

When a little dog slips into your house and poops in the back room, behind the rocking chair, do you leave it there? Do you sing kumbayah around it? Do you hold it in your hands and weep as you show it to your friends? Are you willing to smell it for the next month as you process your trauma over that dog pooping in your house?

Please no! Put a doggy bag over your hand, scoop that crap up, and throw it out under a bush, to silently go back to the earth.

Are you thinking this is nothing like hurtful words? It really kind of is. As a child of God, your road could be so much higher. You could be throwing those things outside, into the dirt, without forcing your friends to see and smell it too.

Our Father in heaven has done most of the work for us. He forgave us first, when we did not deserve it.

He gave his son for our sacrifice, and then sent us his spirit so that we might truly be victorious.

You do not have to flounder in bitterness after God takes your unborn baby home. You can rejoice with those who are rejoicing, and allow your heart to be glad for them. Let the knowledge of Gods goodness sink so deep into your heart, that when your friends announce their pregnancy, you are the first one to fill a thrill of happiness for them. When that baby is born, go to their house and hold that sweet little bundle. Allow the pain to sweep through you as you realize once again that your baby will not be in your arms until you reach heaven, but follow that quickly with a thank you to your Lord, because he is good, and his ways are so much higher than our ways. He knows what he is doing, and what he is doing is good!!

Some of you are gasping after that last paragraph. I am coming across harsh and unfeeling. How can you suggest that I am wrong for feeling hurt, angry, and unhappy when a friend announces their pregnancy, you ask.

Well, darling, I suggest that because many many of you are falling by the wayside because of this particular truth. Reach out, grab my hand, and let me bring you back to the path.

The last time I found out I was pregnant, I compared notes with a close cousin and friend, and we were both pregnant, due within 3 days of each other. It was too much fun for both of us as we messaged each other pictures, how much weight we had gained, talking about the thrill of expecting a baby in November. When my baby died, I faced the reality of watching her complete her pregnancy and welcome a child without me. I told God about it, and it hurt so hard. “God, you are so good, you will redeem these ashes for beauty, who am I to develop bitterness about this”. I prayed. Every single time I felt that sharp pain in my heart, I thanked God for the living baby that my friend was expecting. Each time I did this, the pain became less. Her baby is so special to me now. I feel no pain when I think of how far along she is, I just feel happiness.

Our enemy, the father of lies, takes advantage of your pain. That is where he can slip in and whisper lies into your ears. You are in a weakened state, and he is thrilled to see you flounder.

Rise up woman of God! Take dominion over your heart.

The lies will be the easy way. As you grieve, he will wait until someone is unthinkingly unkind. That is when he will slide into first base with his lies. You will listen, and it will be easy to cry a little harder over those words. That isn’t even wrong.

But he isn’t done. He will take you to second base when you start telling everyone what this wicked, unfeeling, selfish person told you.

He keeps going, third base comes up, and you are now bitter. Bitter that your baby is dead, bitter that your friends are pregnant, bitter that God did not make you happy.

The trip from third base to a homerun is very very short. Merely one step away when you draw into yourself, no longer talking to anyone, the bitterness has now rooted deeply, causing your heart to be a raw mass of untouchable pain. Anything, and anyone can trigger terrible hurt and trauma. You nourish that wound, keeping it raw and open. It has no chance to heal, because your friends keep having babies. You draw away, you react unhappily when they tell you their news, causing them to draw away from you, and soon, you are alone. Completely alone, trapped with nothing but the big bloody hole in your heart. Your eyes closed, your ears stopped up to the blessings you already do have.

For a child of God, this ought not to be.

Grief can be done better. You can weep hard, the tears falling as a worthy sacrifice.

But you do not need to listen to Satan. You can turn away even if you have no words, cry out to God for courage and direction. He is with you, right this minute, he is there. And he will help.