I keep getting messages from single people who have this pesky problem on their hands. Their own sexuality. They hold it like it’s a bomb about to go off, and in today’s culture, it literally is like a bomb about to go off.

It’s especially difficult because it seems as if the entire Christian world is terrified of sex in general, having completely divorced themselves from the shameful horrifying reality of their own sexuality, even married. So is it any surprise at all that our youth our drowning, holding a bomb in their hands?

The culture where I came from calls masturbation “abusing themselves”. On this side, there is nothing but shame.

The culture I have brushed up against since I am no longer Amish worships masturbation and porn. In this ditch, there is no shame whatsoever.

So what is the answer?

Is it even logical or reasonable to have answers?

Personally, I think there are answers. Just because up until now there have been very few answers, doesn’t mean there are no answers. But do I have the answers? Not necessarily. But maybe talking about it will at least help you not feel alone.

My own journey with my own sexuality started off rocky. I didn’t know masturbation existed until a friend told me in my early teen years. Even so, I never got involved in it.

I got my sexual education alongside my classmates when we were sent to the basement of the school to do our math together. Instead, we took dictionaries down with us and looked up sexual words. At recess, my girl-friends and I tried to figure out how it actually works.

During sleepovers, we read romance novels and discussed them further.

I voraciously read smutty books whenever I could get my hands on them. I lived in my daydreams of the perfect man on the perfect little farm with me as his wife. Honestly, my daydreams were pretty innocent and sweet if I look back at them now.

From little up, I knew men wanted one thing. Only one thing. I was only a sexual object. This is not how my Dad and brothers treated me, but the suspicion with which we viewed the world and the church we were going to along with the issues that rose before ‘gross gma’ convinced me that almost all men were the same everywhere. I held my Dad and brothers on a different level entirely, and still to this day, subconsciously compare most men to my Dad and brothers. I married a man who is the cleanest-brained man I have ever known.

It was through my husband that I was healed of this terrible false narrative about men. It was through his honest, pure-hearted, respect for women and taking responsibility for his own mind that finally convinced me that men were just like women. There were really good ones and there were really bad ones.

I was never tempted to have sex before I was married until I was dating my husband. Perhaps the bit of germaphobe in me helped with that, and perhaps it was that I didn’t want to disappoint my Dad. I took my own purity deathly seriously and the one time I was seriously tempted, I told several people immediately that I was tempted because I knew they wouldn't allow it.

When I started dating my husband, our courtship quickly advanced to hand-holding and after we were engaged it went further. Eventually, weeks before our wedding, I was still a virgin but it was a pretty technical point by then. I had already committed to him in my mind and disconnected from my family who I had fractured relationships at the time.

When we got married, it was a different matter entirely to go from nakedness and sexuality being extremely wrong to extremely right. Taking all my clothes off in front of my husband was impossible and I was frozen with fear. I won’t talk about how we got through that, it’s too personal and the World Wide Web simply does not deserve that level of knowledge, but suffice it to say, I vowed I would raise my children differently to not be so ashamed of their bodies.

So what is the answer exactly?

Of course, there is no one answer, and everyone is very different.

But we have to move away from the fear and shame. The fear of our children touching themselves for fear they would like how it feels to masturbate and get into it and become addicted to it.

I have heard far too many stories of Mothers who slap their boy toddlers’ hands when they grab their penis while in the bathtub. It makes me angry when I hear stories like that. Your child’s body is not yours to control like that. If you don’t want them to grab their penis, put toys in the bathtub to keep their hands busy. Never, under any circumstances hit your child in any way, or anywhere, for having touched their own body.

If you punish your child by flicking their penis or vagina or pinching it and I find out who you are, I am going to call you into CPS immediately. It is sexual abuse and you should be in prison.

It’s such a grave mistake to teach one’s children out of fear. As Christians, we can do far better. Their bodies are their own. They have personal autonomy that is God-given, and we are to teach them how to possess their vessels with honor. This is really so easy and natural when you take the fear out of the equation. As a Christian, you need never again make a decision out of fear. God has made every tool in the book available to you, to make you smart and wise and strong.

At this point, I want to stop talking and take a moment to remind you to hold everything here, up to the scriptures, and test it hard. Salt my words. Salt them heavily as befits a Christian. You cannot afford to look to the left or to the right, but only to the truth.

Now I shall proceed.

I have a single friend who contributed to this blog post tremendously. For her sake, I will not identify who she is. If the day ever comes that she wants to reveal herself, she certainly may. At that point, I will add their name as a co-author.

When I got the first message in my inbox about single sexuality, I honestly told my friend I have no answers at this point but to ask God what he thought of single sexuality.

God came through for her in a great big way. I shall rewrite what she said so you don’t even recognize her writing style, but this stuff is gold.

The first point…… Having a sex drive does not mean there is something wrong with me.

Ahh, girl you got that right, in fact, having a healthy sex drive is a sign of health. It is God-given. Sexuality is a gift, not a curse. Although when raised to possess it with fear, it does feel like a curse.

2. That I have a sexuality that does not own me. Rather I am given dominion over it.

Satan would love to keep you bound up in your sexuality. Once again his specialty is corrupting what God created for good and making it bad because it possesses you. It need not possess you. It’s possible to live in victory, cherishing and appreciating your sexuality without being a slave to it.

3. I have come to believe that masturbation in and of itself isn't wrong. But most times, in my case, it's my way of medicating a real issue. I.e. I'm bored, I need comfort or connection, or I am not feeling powerful.

This one must be heavily salted. Saying masturbation is always a sin is not correct. Saying it is not a sin at all is also incorrect. Recognizing the why is of utmost importance. Masturbating to porn is always a sin, and porn use will eventually rot your brain cells, making you stupid and completely closed to the truth. Porn is the killer of love.

If you are in a habit of masturbating, it can really be quite simple to change it. Even as an introvert, go out and seek connection with other Godly people. Go to church, share with safe older people what your struggle is. Check in with them when the urge gets strong.

As an older person who is married, I am a safe person to confess these things to the people in my community. I always encourage young people to find someone in their own community rather than online simply because you need actual in-person love and care to combat addiction. If you are an older person who has victory in sexual areas, make it very important to never share what someone has confessed to you in private. Be a safe person who does not gasp in horror about anything. You are strong and brave and will stand in the gap for your younger brothers and sisters. Most times I don’t even tell my husband simply out of respect for the person who was brave enough to speak up. Being a safe person to talk to about very scary subjects is an art. Even if you have a falling out and part ways, do not ever spread what that person has told you in confidence. It is wicked to abuse power just because we are petty and have it in for someone.

4. That God has a lot more grace for my learning and failures than I do. And He's not up there with a big stick wanting to whack me upside the head. He gets it cause he designed me.

Ahh, yes, sister. Your perfection is not in what you are able to accomplish but in the finished work on the cross. In knowing your need. In trusting God completely with yourself entirely.

5. Certain times of the month during ovulation it becomes far more difficult to remain circumspect with my sexuality. Certain men become more attractive, and I recognize especially during these times it is simply my hormones speaking, and although on a purely physical level, it would be exciting to have sex. My long game is far more important and pre-marital sex leads only to death and heartache. I can be grateful for my hormones while also remaining in charge of them.

6. None of my physical sexual experiences with others in the past were me willingly giving myself to someone. ever. And my choice to give myself physically to someone is a gift that no one or any circumstance (not abuse or even rape) can take my willing consent and that gift from me.

“I think this last one was a huge one for me. I lay in a hot bath and sobbed as God spoke to me and I realized this one. I was way too young for the sexual experiences I had and more than the violation I felt robbed of the ability to ever have something to give. Like that gift had been stolen. And here I realized that no, it was not stolen. It was never the real deal. The choice of physically giving myself to someone no one can rob from me I think is a big part of what makes sex beautiful. It's not me getting something, it's me giving something and receiving something that is also given.”

This direct quote is so important for my readers who have suffered sexual abuse, both men and women. You are not alone, and you have so much to give.

If you have been promiscuous and have repented, you also have something to give. God can absolutely return to you what the locusts have eaten.

Years ago I heard it said over the pulpit that “a virgin never has to lower themselves to marry a non-virgin. There are enough virgins to go around.” I grieved that statement for a very long time. Do not think for one minute that you are worth less just because you are not a virgin. God’s grace is big enough and strong enough for you. You are not left in the dust, bereft. You are every bit as deserving of a Godly spouse as anyone else is.

7. For years I was afraid of dating and marriage cause of my mixed-up sexual history. I didn't know how to wade through all that as a single when I was not even sexually active. I began to contemplate having a one-night stand cause I was so afraid of what I/ my future husband might have to go through and how to talk to him. It seemed greatly unfair to go into marriage so terrified of sex. I recognized that having a one-night stand was sin. But what to do. I got counseling and began to chip away. I have much more awe-filled revelations of what sex is and someday when I am married, I will share those with my husband... For now, I also have to find the balance to not overthink it or idolize it outside of the perimeters of reality..

Just as my dreams as a young girl were too shameful so the only way I knew to safely dream at all was by checking out into a fantasy world- only to now see that nothing was wrong with my dreams at all. I can pull them out of the shameful closet and dream them and in the allowing myself to acknowledge those buried dreams I find a bigger sense of who I am as a woman and a person and what I value... Now some days I feel like I could see myself stand one day stand and talk about these things openly and publicly so that the shameful label can be ripped off of sex and like a fine wine it's not used to drown sorrow nor made common and done outside of marriage but instead like a fine wine that is meaningful and meant to be sacred inside marriage and enjoyed like an appropriate amount of fine wine where you actually notice the taste and it pairs with the meal.

You can not taste the fine ness of wine when you are drowning your sorrow with it. Your only intent then is to check out and get drunk.

One other thing that stands out to me is that the apostle Paul who was single seems to have understood "the mystery of sex" in his instructions and how it was something that was to be brought into the dominion of the spirit.

Not fulfilling our fleshly desires and lusts.

Not to kill our sex drive. But to use it. I honestly think too that in Jewish culture under God's commandments it was a given and a known thing. You have sexuality. Here's how to use it.

One reason I think that is I find myself in a community here where there seems to be just a much more inherent understanding that some things are this way. It's not questioned. It's an instinct used as a tool.

Not so much questioning it and more just, I'm a woman- nurture flows from me. I'm a man- my role is to protect.

The gender roles are just kinda generationally understood.

Not everywhere. But in some places I see it and the people doing it seem oblivious that it's anything special. This is just "normal"

That also is a direct quote. It was written so well that I could not make myself change it. I need it to be here in its entirety. It gave me goosebumps. God is speaking in a big way to this my dear dear friend, and I am just amazed as I watch her listen. And deeply humbled that I get to stand by and witness this healing.

This is all I will write for now. Email me with your questions and concerns and if you would like me to follow up further, let me know.

I am not open to religious picking at this blog post. If you disagree, I bless you and wish only for the truth. I recognize some truths are fairly unpalatable and it would be far easier to make definitive statements regarding sexuality.

I am also not open to anyone asking who the anonymous contributor is. I will not respond to emails asking me who it is. Not even my husband knows who it is.

PS added by my friend Lynette Eby, one of my favorite humans to email late at night with uncomfortable thoughts.

“You already know that I have few filters on this topic, so I'll leave this comment here with a simple yes, thank you, and one other thing, a little more lengthy for whomever wants to read it:

If you are single and sexuality is a struggle, please consider this. You don't just need to talk to connect, you need touch, and play where touching is not sexualized. Just as sex is viewed as dirty, sometimes people see touch the same way.

It's ok.

Hug people.

Go dancing.

Dance some more.

Join a local sports game so you get the chance to high five and get exercise endorphins. Get a non-sexual massage (hate that I have to clarify that). If you are broken, get help, but do not forget that you still need touch and that Jesus heals the broken. Ask God to purify your heart and mind so you can ask, ASK, for these things without fear or shame.” End quote.

Amen Lynette and thank you!