My third child stared balefully at me from her perch on the kitchen chair. She could barely see over the top of the table, but the lack of dignity didn’t affect her pride. She did not want to sit on her booster seat, and she wanted a pink cup with milk in it.

Increasingly I found myself going to lengths to give this precious little one of mine exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it, in the color she wanted it in. If I did not, she would throw herself on the floor and shriek at the injustice of a world that did not revolve around her little life.

I was eased into it, you see. My oldest two were loud, demanding, forceful human beings that forced me to be in control from day one or there would have been utter chaos. But this third child of mine was born with long dark hair, quiet, peaceful, with excellent manners from day one. After she was born she turned to me and said “Thank you Mummy, now feed me please”. Ok, that might be a bit of a stretch, but not too much of one.

She would nap on the floor in front of our warm fireplace with her arms and legs flung in all directions. No amount of noise woke her. Even her teeth slid into place without the fanfare of the other two. She had wildly curly hair, and loved to giggle. How I adored this gentle little person that I had given birth to, and never for a minute did I delude myself into thinking she was so easygoing because I knew how to raise babies better. I knew why she was different. It was because the Lord looked down at me and said,” she needs a break, if she has another intense child, she might succumb and be sent to Western State Hospital.”

Oh how we doted on our little Lollipop as we called her. Her round corners fascinated us. She bounced around in her fluffy little dresses, and became strong and tough as she followed her older brother and sister. She rarely had needs, but when she had needs, they were very very specific.

She wanted “that” piece of chicken, and no other piece would do.

She wants a pink cup, with milk in it, filled to a certain height.

She wants to wear these shoes, with these socks, and this dress.

Nothing else will do.

It started so slowly though. First she wanted a pink cup that I filled with milk, and she was so happy. Next she wanted a green cup, and was so happy. I was not wise enough to see the storm building on the horizon. I gave her what she wanted, again and again.

The little beast inside her grew.

It craved to be in control, and the control was sweet.

Everyday when I collected her fat little self from her bed, fed her breakfast, I inadvertently fed the beast.

And it grew

And grew

And grew………

And here we are. She needs this cup, filled to this height, with the beverage of her choice to wash down the exact piece of chicken, with the exact piece of bread, buttered exactly the right way.

And I rose up, saw the beast, and said “whoa Nelly”. (the thing all amish people say when events are crashing out of their control)

I made a solid plan of action and for a few weeks my Lollipop got nothing that she wanted.

She got the green cup, with water, filled halfway. Because Big Ma said so.

She wore what I picked out and went barefoot. Because Big Ma said so.

She looked at the books I picked out, had snacks when I gave them to her, played with the toys I allowed, and I would tell her to say “Thank you Mama” each and every time.

By the end of the first week a sweetness started to emerge from my little girl.

She discovered she loves when Mama is in control. She discovered that her heart is free as a bird when she wears what Mama gives her to wear. By the end of the second week, she was a brand new child. Her temper tantrums were gone. Her attitudes a thing of the past. She was a sweet, bouncy little girl that sweetly replied “yes mama” to my every wish and command.

For this concept to work though, I must impress on you a few key components to this theory so as to keep you from crashing into a fence and breaking your child.

You cannot be filled with tension and stress when you do this. This concept works only when applied by a mother who is confident and peaceful. There can be no shouting or rough forcing to obey. This works because life continues on peacefully, and the child experiences the consequences of her actions. If she does not wear what you put on her, she cannot go outside to play with the other children. If she does not eat the piece of chicken that her Big Ma picked out, she cannot have an ice cream sandwich with the rest of her tribe. If she does not drink her green cup of milk, she will be thirsty.

This is not a situation where you make her sit down, you make her drink that milk, and you make her be happy about it. That will fill your home with tension and stress. You don’t even wait until she asks for a drink, you anticipate her thirst, and set the green cup of milk on the table, and you cheerfully tell her “this is your cup of milk, when you get thirsty, you may drink it”. When she responds that she wanted the pink cup with juice, you smile and say “darling, you will get juice when Mama says you will get juice”.

The same goes with food. If she does not eat her food because its not exactly what she wants, that is ok. She simply has to sit there until she is done. You will not want to set your child up for failure during this period of time. You will want to purposely set her up for success. If you know the food you made is not her favorite. Give her only one bite of everything. One bite of meat, one bite of potatoes, one leaf of salad. When she gets done, exclaim what a good job she did eating all her food. In the following weeks, you will add more each time. But for now, she persevered, and won the battle over herself. She will love that feeling and will learn to seek it out by completing tasks quickly.

After several weeks of this, I start giving back choices. “which cup would you like today?” "

“The pink one? Ok you may. I will fill it with milk for you.”

“You may pick out your dress for today, make sure you wear leggings”

“I am going to give you a glass of chocolate milk for a treat, would you like to drink it outside?”

It is important to realize this is not a punishment. This is merely a rewiring of their brains so they can feel safe, and deeply loved. This can also not be done when they are too young. A child’s needs are instinctual until around 18 months. Much of this can be avoided by anticipating their needs from a very young age. When you offer, instead of them demanding and then getting what they need, it keeps you firmly in charge.

Another key component to making this work is to gather some essentials for the training session. Buy some cookies or ice cream sandwiches so there is a dessert to push through a meal for. If you have a sandbox, buy a few new sandbox toys to make it look very very exciting going outside and playing when you tell your child what to wear.

My Lollipop is now a 9 year old girl that is pure joy to be around. She washes dishes, sweeps the floor, folds laundry, reads books voraciously, is a wonderful babysitter and is completely capable of making confident decisions on her own, but also happy to cheerful say “Yes Mom” if I give her a directive.

Six years ago when I was faced with her tantrums, had I been emotional about it, I would have failed her. 95% of child rearing is not emotional, but practical. Practical problem solving is a must if you want to be successful. If you are too close to the situation, you will want to ask your people for advice. I have done this many times. Old people and young, Parents and childless alike. All had equally good advice.

I celebrate shamelessly when my children and I win together.