I remember the first time someone told me that the Holy Spirit works through my desires. It felt like madness at first. Utter madness. What if I wanted to get rip raving drunk?

I asked God about it. I didn’t hear anything from him except for a tangible and meaningful silence. And then, “Am I that small in your mind?” I didn’t hear that with my ears. I felt it in my very being.

Ok, now he had my attention.

I grew up with a whole litany of reasons why the heart was desperately wicked, and who can ever know it? I picture a dusty, dry well full of poisonous snakes writhing angrily, looking for a way out. My heart is wicked, and I cannot trust it one tiny bit.

But then there is the verse about being given a new heart and spirit. I was so confused. It is in the old testament, though, I was somewhat comforted. Like it or not, that meant maybe I was off the hook.

And yet, not quite. It was more applicable. Plus, if I have had my heart of stone removed and replaced with a heart of flesh and been given the Holy Spirit as my comforter and guide, how would I hear from this comforter and guide who lives on the inside if my heart is still desperately wicked?

I decided like many things pertaining to God in our culture, we had gotten it wrong. Which, of course, feels like even more madness itself. Why would little old me know anything that the many generations before me did not know? And yet, the fruits from the many generations before were not those I wanted to see coming out of my children’s lives, so the natural deduction is that I must search for a different source. If there was a formula for Christian living, I think that might be the formula; that there is no formula, you must see it for yourself.

I decided to start paying attention to what my heart desired, whether it was good things or selfish. I didn’t expect murder and mayhem to come out of my small Amish heart, but I did expect selfishness and bitterness.

It was a fascinating experience, giving credence to my desires. I discovered quickly how often Holy Spirit does work through my desires, and as I started to trust him, more and more good things came out of it. For example, randomly, I wanted to text someone and let them know I was thinking about them. So often, it seemed random, maybe even undisciplined. And yet, I saw good come out of that little decision. I wanted to make better food choices and create more space with my children. I found that my desire was for peace and romance, and kindness. I discovered that God had indeed removed my heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh.

I asked God to save me in 1998. In 2019 I received the gift of the Holy Spirit. In all that time, no one ever told me that God had made my heart clean and that my desires had changed. In all that time, I never discovered the truth for myself.

I recognize I am making Calvinists and Armenians choke, but I guess I shall soldier on since I am neither.

One of the most complex areas to discover the truth for me is when it pertains to other people. What if I do not want to go to someone’s bible study? Is this reticence, selfishness, or Holy Spirit?

What if I do not want to invite someone to my house for dinner? Selfishness or Holy Spirit?

Well, it certainly can be selfishness; however, I have found that when it is selfishness, it feels pretty different. For a crude analogy, look at the difference between condemnation versus conviction. Condemnation makes you feel like dirt, accused, broken, without hope. Conviction fills you with a fresh breath of air, the feeling of power, love, and a sound mind. No matter what the conviction puts on you, you feel capable because God is with you, and if God is with you, who could ever be against you that matters?

Selfishness is a hot, dark feeling that makes you feel vindictive. Holy Spirit is a “knowing.”

I fought this for many years, and that Holy Spirit knowing became so muddled in my mind that anything I didn’t want to do that seemed good in my own eyes became a catalyst for vicious condemnation in my mind. Refusing to trust and listen to the Holy Spirit, the sin of unbelief was like an unlatched screen door that didn’t protect me from anything. I was driven by the wind and tossed, and my screen door snapped open and shut all day and during most nights.

Ironically, the years of depression are what set me free from the fear of man, what prepared me for this great and freeing truth. I was already so broken; I had no hope of anything except the cross and the resurrection of Jesus, which I believed in with all my being. I didn’t blame people for looking down on me. My brain was shattered.

I didn’t realize that God worked through my desires, and by not listening, I was now indulging in the sin of unbelief.

(The word indulging might seem to be too harsh, but I used it intentionally) It's so tempting to believe that we don't know any better, and yet, it's all in his word. We don't have because we don't ask, and for many of us, we were taught not to ask these questions. However, Jesus said do go ahead and ask. Ask and bang on the door and ask some more.

I have one child who asks every single time she has a need. Sometimes it's just a want, and I choose to say no. Many times I say yes. Because I also would like to have Converse to match my dress. hah

Another of my children doesn’t ask. She is content, easygoing, and needs very little. I often say, “Lollipop, ask me for things when you want or need them. It makes me happy to make sure your needs are met.” I never have to say that to my sweet Sumyrly. She asks prolifically. I am so glad she is mine because her Dad and I don’t mind when she asks. We are strong enough to say no if needed. I am so happy Lollipop is mine as well. I have to be more proactive about meeting her needs, and sometimes I have to get input from her sister, but at the end of the day, they heal something inside me with their childlike faith in our provision.

My children have shown me aspects of the Christian life that I wouldn’t have learned anywhere else. They are interesting, fun, and yes, lots of hard work goes into the successful raising of a son or daughter. Work that we are equipped to do. But yes, I desperately need the Holy Spirit guidance to do.

My little Finny is a Mr. Commander man all the way. He came to the bedroom where I was napping and asked me if his brother could share his toy. It was a brand new toy and not something I wanted 3 yr old Finny to break straightaway. So I said, “No, Finny. He does not have to share with you. I want you to get a different toy this time.” He gave me a look and said firmly “me said yes.” “Finny, I said no.” I reiterated. Without another word, he went out into the living room, and I heard him tell his brother, “Domic, Mom said you share with me.”

In disbelief, I said to him, “Finny, Mama said no.” Again I heard him say firmly “me said yes.”

Immediately we handled that situation, and all his bravado folded when he heard our footsteps. Even so, I had to chuckle. This level of gutsy fire was something he would need someday. However, it is up to me to shape him into a man of integrity and honesty. He will be a man willing to go against the flow alone. He will be a defender of those with no defense and a strong wall of comfort for the fatherless. I know this because I am married to his Dad. Their type of man is not universally loved. They are willing to do what no one else is willing, and that will bring much hate their way, which they won't mind. It will mean nothing to them. It falls off like a feather drifting in the wind. The greater good will always prevail.

Men like him, without the Holy Spirit's guidance, wreak havoc on people around them.

However, Holy Spirit led: and became a man of strength and integrity. A man that a woman can be proud to walk beside.

I expect every kind of person in the world to be like this. We all have that thing that makes us either ineffective or effective. But, if you want a shortcut to be effective, I can tell you a formula that works every time. Only one little thing is necessary. Just one shift of your brain.

Maybe I will make that into a new blog…..